The Weight of the World

I’ve been feeling pensive of late. Restless, as the days begin and end, begin and end, over and over and over again.   I go about my daily activities, do my errands, brushing shoulders with others doing the same.  And too often, we barely make eye contact, let alone speak.

I feel it most often when I take the bus.  Over and over, people get on and get off, staring straight ahead, careful not to stare, or upset the monotone.  And I do it, too.  I get on, sit down, stare straight ahead till I reach my destination, get off, walk away.  Barely any connection is ever made when riding the bus.  I’ve taken the bus for years, on and off, and mostly it’s the same.  The same.  And more of the same.

There is one man I keep meeting on my journeys on the bus who cheerfully says hello to each person he meets.  He has this big voice and a happy smile and he’s..well..kind of like Santa Claus without the red suit.  And you know what? Most people look away.  Like he’s pathetic. No, people! Don’t you see? We’re the pathetic ones, for not returning his happy smile and wishing him a boisterously happy day!

It makes me sad, because it feels like so many people are just DEAD inside.

There’s definitely something rustling inside me to make a change in my corner of the world.  I didn’t make any ‘resolutions’ this year at all, which is not like me.  Usually I spend New Years eve or New Year’s day writing in my journal, looking both forward and back, and creating a plan for the following year. But not this year.  This year I did not put pen to paper at all.

Let’s face it. Our hearts are heavy with war, and fear, and terror, and money problems, and worries of thousands of misplaced families – to name only a few things!  We grow tired of greedy corporations wanting to kill our earth and put garbage in our food and make us believe that their way is the only way and that there is no better way for us.  Technology, while promising connection, causes us to bury ourselves in the pathetic devices we carry around EVERYWHERE with us – causing more alienation than connection.

Perhaps it’s this heaviness of heart that is causing my restlessness.  Lately, that little voice inside me is telling me that I must be the one to reach out.  To extend my hand.  To offer a smile, a helping hand, even a touch.  Sometimes I have these silly ideas.  I think, what if I brought a package of candy onto the bus and passed it around?  Would that make people smile? Or at least, respond in some way?  Or I get this strong desire to be one of those people who take a sign into their downtown core offering FREE HUGS.  Because Lord knows that no one gets enough healing hugs these days. Or to write little notes of encouragement and leave them in random places that I go…

What IS growing inside me is the firm belief that we are connected, and that every time we hurt others, every time we hate and despise and treat badly – we hurt ourselves, too.  And we hurt the world at large.  So, if I am making a belated resolution at all, this year – it’s to find ways to bring more joy. For myself, I need some kind of deeper connection with the world around me.  I need to bring some light to other’s faces, even if for only a moment.  I’m going in search of more ways to do these things this year.

Now, I’m off to create that FREE HUGS sign.  Anybody with me? 🙂

 

 

 

The Perils of Perfection

 

 

I’ve written about perfection before.  I’ve lived with trying to gain power over my need to be perfect in all things for longer than I can remember.  The agony this need causes in me can be devastating.  It causes me, sometimes, to go past the point of no return.  The point where my energy is depleted, my body is sore, and my emotions are raw.

This topic of perfection has been in forefront for me recently as I began to notice it happening again in my every day life.  In the little things.  Like in cleaning my house.  Or helping out my daughter around her home when I’m with the kids.  Or taking care of the administration for the society that I volunteer for. My thought process goes something like this…

I will have already done more than enough. More than I have energy for.  More than I NEED to!  Yet I hear myself thinking – ‘if only’ I can do just this one more thing, then I will be happy/content/feel good about things.  “If only” I can just do this one more job (dishes, laundry, vacuuming, creating the perfect spreadsheet, replying to someone’s Society question with the perfect email – this list is endless)  And all this after I’ve spent more than enough time, more than enough energy, on something to make it Just Right.

The problem with this way of thinking is…it’s never right! It’s never enough.  No. Matter. What.

And in the process, I’m only making myself more tired and grumpy. And angry.  At myself and at others.  I’m only making the need I have, which feels just like desperation, BIGGER.  Is it worth it? Absolutely not.

In a time when I need to stay conscious of how my body is feeling, and how much energy I have or do not have, and where my emotions are taking me – I cannot afford to allow these crazed thoughts to overwhelm me.

But that need to feel I have done things perfectly wraps its ugly tendrils of agony around my brain and drives me slowly back into that place of  desperation.  That’s the danger for me.  That’s where  I go slowly crazy.

I’m writing this today to remind myself that it’s ok to just do enough, and that’s all.  The world will not implode in on itself.  (Actually, that’s pretty much already happening without my help, anyway, so I don’t think it needs me to add any more craziness)!

What I ‘need’ is, to give myself a really big break.  And tell myself it’s ok if some things don’t get done.  I don’t have to make myself crazy. I ‘need’ to remind myself to let go, once again. To remind myself that I will still be safe, even if things aren’t ‘perfect’.  To remember that perfect is not something that’s possible, no matter how hard I try.

So I will take a few deep breaths.  And relax my mind and heart.  I will be ok.  I AM ok.  Right now, sitting here in my imperfect home.  Living my imperfect life, in this imperfect world. Writing in my blog.  Imperfectly.

Sailing Into 2016

Here we are standing on the doorstep of a brand New Year.  I always feel excited when the new year begins.  It is, I think, that anticipation of something new – even though there are no assurances it’s going to be wonderful.  Lord knows 2015 has had it’s challenges, for sure, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if there are people out there that are terrified of what’s to come.  There are so many, many uncertainties in our world today.  Crazy, unpredictable weather, terrorists, wars, refugees by the thousands – it is an uncertain world, for sure.

I recently joined  a group on facebook that claimed to be a supportive group for sufferers of Osteoarthritis, which I have, to some degree.  I joined because I am always on the lookout for more natural ways to treat, and to heal, if they can be found.  But what I found on this particular group was, that most people only wanted to come in and complain about how difficult their lives were, how many drugs they had to take, and how frustrated and angry they were.  On the few occasions someone shared something that actually worked for them, the responses were “they’re just trying to sell us something” or “doesn’t that seem like an advertisement to you?”  The responses surprised me, actually, and I realized this was not the group for me at all.

So, I left.  Why?  Because, while I live with chronic pain, and sometimes so much so that I can’t function in a day, I just can’t look at life through the negative lenses that they seemed to be using.  I just can’t!  It’s not who I am.  I need and want to find what is positive in my life – pain or no pain.  I recently spent my last 5 days in bed because of pain from a back injury.  Granted, there were some tears of frustration.  But I used the time to rest, to read, to meditate, to pray and write, and to colour in my new colouring book. (It’s been said that colouring is the new meditation! 🙂

That is the way I choose to look at life as a whole.  While there are always, challenges and uncertainties, I cannot live in fear of the future.  I cannot go about my day grumbling about how bad my life is or how sorry for myself I feel.  I cannot give in to the many fears that might overcome me – if I let them. I will not let them.

So, as 2016 approaches, and I (think) I’m back on my feet again (yay!)  I feel….excited.  What will the new year bring?  What will I bring to the new year?  Even with all the many, many great challenges we face, I believe we can still find joy.  We can still contribute joy.  I Choose Joy for 2016. Despite the challenges, and I know there will be, because they are always there.

My deepest hope for this year is that those who (I see) as asleep – that is, those who’s greatest needs are to hate, to kill, to despise, to destroy, and to fear – will begin to awaken to a world that is filled with miracles every single second of the day.  That this dark time that we live in will begin, even just a tiny little  bit, to grow toward the Light.

My prayer for 2016 is that more and more of us will become alive to the possibilities that we do not have to live in fear; we do not have to reject others to stay safe ourselves; and we do not have to kill and destroy our earth (or each other!) so that we can be rich and powerful.  I pray that these big corporations, these money hungry leaders who lead by fear-mongering, would somehow be exposed to the light of the increasing number of people in this world who are realizing that there is another, more beautiful, more peaceful way to exist together in this great world of ours. A world in which we realize that we are all one, and that when we do harm to one person or one nation, we are doing harm to the world at large.

I love this quote from Chief Oren Lyons of the Onandaga Nation:

“Although we are in different boats you in your boat and we in our canoe we share the same river of life”.

I for one look forward with expectation to this coming year. I truly believe that 2016 will be what we ourselves decide to make it.

Wishing you all a truly blessed 2016.  May you be granted the grace and patience to get through the bad and scary times as well as the happy and loving times.

xo

Chere

Blessed 2015

 

Blessed 2015

Here we are on the ‘other’ side of Christmas.  How are you feeling?

Christmas has not always been the most looked-forward to event in my life.  When I went through a deep healing journey many years ago, Christmas caused me a lot of depression and I struggled to stay positive.  It reminded me of all that I had lost – which was pretty much everything from my marriage to the home our kids grew up in, to my ability to work because of emotional illness, to the estrangement of my extended family for many years.  It was not a good time in my life.

I’m happy to say I lived through all that and stand here on the flip side with a whole lot of different ways of thinking.  Christmas has become a joyous time again for me.  And it’s not about what I can ‘buy’ for Christmas.  Some years I have a little more money.  Some years I have none! Being happy, content and joyful has little to do with money, and everything to do with loving and being loved…

Today I feel…peaceful and joy-full.  We had such a lovely time yesterday – and for the first time in about six years my daughter Jayne was with us!  We laughed, loved and yes, ate!  At the end of the day we dispersed to our various homes, and I felt blessed to have been together.

Family is EVERYTHING to me.  One of the reasons I feel I’ve been put on this earth is to support my children and grandkids and I do so with pure joy.  There is nothing more fulfilling to me to see their happy faces, hear their laughter, and take pride in who they’ve become despite the painful years we went through together.

And I wish to take this time to thank each of my kids.  They are the ones who kept me going when I was in a dark place – they were my motivation to get well when I could find no other reason to try.  I love  them so deeply – as well as the  wonderful mates they have chosen and of course my beyond beautiful grandbabies!

One more gift I have been given is the restoration of relationship with many of my siblings – and for that I am truly blessed.  I had to find peace in thinking that we may not speak again until we were all together  in the next life.  But God saw fit to restore many of those relationships and I am beyond ecstatic that they are back in my life again.  (I’m realizing now that much of my angst around those relationships I thought were lost, was my own angst – and that quite possibly I never did lose them – but took myself out of the equation for many years).  For that, I feel sorry – but happy to know that there has been healing between us.

God has restored to me what I have lost.  If I didn’t have my faith in God, I truly don’t know how I would have made it. If I had no belief that, even in the darkness, God still had my best interests at heart, I would have been swallowed up entirely.  I truly don’t know how others make it when they have no faith in anything but themselves.  While I believe having faith in oneself is very important – I’ve come to know from these dark experiences in my life that having faith in oneself only can be a very lonely and scary way to live.  I stand in awe of God’s mercy and faithfulness to me, and although many of my beliefs have changed from the beliefs I was taught as a child – my relationship with God has never been closer.

Thankfully, this Christmas has left me feeling fulfilled and blessed.  But I know also what it’s like to not be able to bear holidays like this one.  I hope and pray that for those of you that feel this way, this year, that you can hold on to the hope that our entire life ebbs and flows.  Good and bad are inevitable in this life.  If we can hold on in the bad, lonely, scary times and never give up – the good, better, and best times will follow.

 

 

 

 

 

When Did I Lose My Words?

In the last two months, I’ve been coming in here, to this blog of mine, and just staring at it.  Looking through past posts and wondering, did that cat get my tongue?  I wrote only two posts this past year.  What happened?

So, I’ve been thinking I should just delete my little corner of the internet – but somehow – I  can’t do it.

I’ve started and stopped probably 5 blogs over the past 5 years or so.  I’ve written posts that people have loved and commented on….and then gone back and deleted them.  A friend, who is also an author herself, has told me that I’ve written enough good stuff to write a book – little did she know I deleted most of it.

In the past year, my concentration has been elsewhere.  My growing family, mostly, and my health – working to become healthier and spending more and more time trying to figure out ever increasing pain in my body.  I think, honestly, I’ve had little to no desire to write anything.

That’s not the whole problem, though.  For ALL of my life I have struggled to find my voice.  So I believe that I find it for awhile – and then lose it again.  I think to myself – in this age of information, why would anyone want to hear what I have to say?  And so I hit the delete button, again and again and again…

I’ve been given a gift, though.  I believe that right down into my toes.  I have always believed that my ability to write is a gift to me.  If only I could figure out how to use this gift – but so far, the figuring out part has escaped me.

If you’re here, reading this, thank you!  I’m going to try my darnedest to come here more often.  Because in my heart of hearts, I don’t believe that I can afford to hit the delete button any more.  Somehow, I’m going to become brave enough to let my work, simple as it might be, remain. It’s time to get past this belief that I still seem to hold onto that my voice is small and not worth anything.  Because that’s just nonsense, after all.  With everyone in the world  brave enough to let others know what they think through social media nowadays – well – I have a place here, too. 🙂

 

Loving Yourself – Can You? Do You?

 

A friend recently asked me why I had stopped writing in my blog.  I told her, because sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say, that’s all.   Sometimes I feel I have words that the world needs to hear. (And wow, doesn’t that sound boastful?)  But so does everyone and their brother nowadays! Other times I think, with all the people who are trying to get their words across on the internet these days, why on earth would anyone want to hear what I have to say?

Perhaps it’s just that I’ve been trying to learn something important.   You see, for as far back as I can remember, I’ve tried (and tried and tried and tried!) to be better in some way.  As if who I’ve been has never been enough.  I’ve read books (oh-so-many-books) on how to be this or that, or how do this or that even better.  I’ve read articles, I’ve watched videos, I’ve gone to support groups and women’s groups and prayer groups and church groups – because my belief has been that I must always strive to be better.  But I’m tired of striving!  I’m tired of reading, watching, and attending!  For the first time in my entire life I’ve been asking myself – what’s so wrong with me that I need to change everything all the time?

And the answer that I’ve come up with is…..nothing.  Nothing is wrong with me.  I AM good enough, just the way I am.  I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t need to constantly be berating myself because of some random thought that I had that I felt wasn’t appropriate. I don’t need to continually be chastising myself because I ate something (or did something or thought something) some vague person or article said wasn’t good for me.  Who gets to say what’s good for me – or not good for me?  Shouldn’t that be ME, after all?

More and more I’ve come to believe that I no longer need to search for answers outside myself.  I believe I’ve talked about this before somewhere here, but this is becoming clear to me in a brand new way. I believe, now, that the constance with which I berate myself for the way I feel I’m never doing it right (whatever IT is) – that this way of being is a complete disconnect to myself – body, mind and spirit.  I’m coming to believe that if I constantly hate on myself for what I’m not, then I’ll never, ever achieve a true sense of being ok with who I am, right now, warts and all.

And believe me, I have warts – BIG ones.  I worry and fret way too much over things I cannot control.  I spend too much time regretting things in my past that I cannot change. I procrastinate.  I don’t have a body that is – how shall we say – acceptable – in today’s society.  I sometimes over-mother my kids and grandbabies.  I perhaps spend too much time alone.  I am what I like to call myself – a reluctant servant in the work that I believe I’m called to do in my little corner of the world – meaning, I don’t always do what I know I have to do willingly, but instead go kicking and screaming.  I often relate to the story of Jonah, in the Bible, who kicked and screamed (and ran away and spent 3 days in the belly of a whale!) Yikes! Hopefully that will not be my destiny -cause, ya know, I don’t like fish! 🙂

With all of these not-so-positive ways of being, these days I’m still choosing to be ok with who/what I am.  To have compassion for myself.  To stop reaching for ways to do it all better, and just love myself for who I am.  And I’m beginning to believe that once I can reach that place of real love for myself in all my ways of being – well, that will be a peaceful state in which to live.

Can I love myself through all of that – and more?  Can I quiet the frenzied self talk that goes on and on, day and night?  All I know is that I must stop pushing and pulling at myself, sending myself in a thousand different directions.  It’s not good for me, in any way.  And so, I’ve stopped reading so many articles. I’ve unsubscribed from newsletters whose owners promise the next big change if only you do it this way. I’ve stopped following gurus’ and men and women who are claiming to be leading the way in health and wellness.  It’s all become tiresome.  It makes me wonder what kind of world we might live in if we all really and truly loved ourselves from within?  I believe that entails getting to know oneself inside and out.  Hearing what our inner voices tell us. Listening to what our bodies say (because I believe our bodies speak to us daily).  Becoming able to hear our own self – and drown out the cacophony around us.

There are a million more voices ‘out there’ that tell us to try this new way or tell us this is the way we should eat nowadays, this is the way our bodies ‘should’ look, or this is the car, house, education, vacation that we need to have.  But what does our inner self tell us? If we can listen and hear that inner voice, perhaps we might stop getting caught up in the millions of voices we hear chattering all around us that tell us we will Never Be Enough.

So, perhaps this is the reason I have stopped writing.  I have been learning something new – something important to me, something deep within myself that maybe I need to authenticate before I can write again.  I make promises that I wish I could keep, but I don’t keep.  And I’m going to be ok with that for now, and I’m going to say that I will write when I feel I really there’s something on my heart I wish to share.  And I will  try to write, not as someone who needs the world to know something, but perhaps as someone who is learning instead, and who is wanting to share that learning experience.

Perhaps getting to know/love myself just as I am has been why I have not been writing just now.  Perhaps it’s just not been the time to write, no matter what my ‘intentions’ were.  Can I be ok with that? Can you?

Namaste

 

 

The Problem With Perfection…

The Problem With Perfection…

I recently learned a great new phrase.  Wabi sabi.  Ever heard it?  Wabi sabi is “the Japanese worldview or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection.  The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete”.  Or, a simpler definition is ‘finding beauty in roughness and irregularity”.
For as long as I can remember, the need for perfection has plagued me.  My mantra was “IF ONLY” I could be perfect in everything I do…..the perfect little girl, the perfect student, the perfect child who never makes waves or causes problems…..perfectly invisible.  Because all around me was chaos, I equated perfection with staying safe.
I didn’t recognize that need to be perfect, however, until much later in my life, when one day, my counselor tried to remind me that “I don’t need to be perfect”. I still remember the earnestness with which I looked at her and said….YES.  YES, I Do!  And I remember believing that with all of my heart and soul.
I used to think, as well, that perfection was an awesome quality to have!  Who didn’t want someone working for them that strove for perfection in all things?  What I didn’t see was how my need for perfection was playing out in my life in a very unhealthy way…
I began to see that my need to be perfect in all things was paralyzing me!  I never felt free to try anything new, because if I couldn’t get it right right from the start, it wasn’t worth trying. And learning something new, for example a new job, was painstaking!  I would so terrified to make mistakes that I found myself making mistakes ALL the time….and beating myself up, over and over.  It was a never ending cycle, and learning  a new job, or learning in school, exhausted and discouraged me.
As someone who has had to teach themselves about self care, I have had to learn to let that need for being perfect go.  Because trying to do anything new without my inner critic beating me up was near impossible.  That inner critic was a force to be reckoned with in my life, and I had to learn  to remind myself that I cannot be perfect, no matter how hard I try. Perfection is NOT possible in this world we live in.  And killing myself trying was sucking the life out of me….

Perfectionism can be great – in some things.  We want to do our work well.  We want to get good grades.  We like being ‘best’ at something!  But, when perfectionist tendencies get in the way of us living our lives, as they did with me, then we’re in trouble.  If having to be perfect is stealing our joy in simple things – or is holding us back from doing things we’d really like to do, or is causing our inner critic to make us feel horrible about ourselves….then we might need/want to reconsider just how perfect we think we need to be. For me, I will never again see perfectionism as something to aspire to.  Doing my best is good enough for me.  I’m satisfied with being perfectly imperfect nowadays!
I must admit something – I’m sure not there yet.  I STILL have a very strong wish to be perfect – I still have to talk myself down from those places sometimes.  But in working to remind myself that perfection is not needed, not even possible, in this life, and is detrimental to my emotional health, I have been able to learn how to ‘just BE’ – a lot more often.
So, I was excited to hear of this Japanese phrase “Wabi sabi”, and to become open to the concept that there may just be beauty in our roughness or irregularity. It helped me to stop and think that maybe there IS beauty in the imperfect – we just have to look for it!

Someone Like Me…..

I LOVE  that two years ago I came up with this for the name of my blog.  You know why?  Because…..I am just a regular gal, trying to find my way in this world.  I don’t necessarily ‘have it all together’.  In fact, in many ways, I Am Unlovely.  By that I mean, I would not stand out in a crowd.  I’m not the life of the party.  I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t stand up in front of people and pretend I have figured it all out. I am not slim or particularly beautiful.  I don’t wear the finest clothes or drive an expensive car or live in an expensive house.

I’m figuring it out, just like you are, day by day.  And I personally think that is our lot in life – to figure it out.  We don’t ‘get there’ – in my opinion.  When we finally DO get there, well, I believe we’ll be ready for the next phase…beyond this world as we know it.

I have seen myself at my Very Worst.  I have been in a place in my life where there was nowhere to go but up.  I have lived through my own personal hell, and that experience has made me a much, much more humble and grateful person.  And it has made me see that the human spirit is SO incredibly strong and we can choose, honestly, to get through the darkest nights and live to be stronger and deeper because of them…or we can choose to live in bitterness and angry frustration instead. Our choice.

So, I’m here to say, whatever you might be going through, that if Someone Like Me can get through it – so can you.  And if I can help by being a mentor on here with my words..then I would honored to do so.  And if I can help in any other way whatsoever, just being a listening ear, perhaps…then let me know. But, I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I believe most of the answers actually come from within ourselves.  We KNOW we need.  But sometimes we are too far away from ourselves to even believe that.  And if that’s the case, then it’s our job to return to our self…so we can hear that voice within us.

We’re all in this together, as far as I am concerned.  So maybe we can join hands and help each other out in this big, crazy, wonderful world called Life.

2015 – Shall We Bring Compassion?

Life is starting to settle down now after the holidays.  Not sure about you, but I’m glad to be getting ‘back into the swing of things’ once more.

In years past, my first post of the new year was about my new year ritual – intention setting, looking back, looking forward, deciding what changes I need to make to become the person I wish to be in the coming year.  But not this year.  This year there were no rituals.  Why not? Because I’ve grown darn tired of trying to ‘fix’ myself.  What if I’m ok, just as I am? What if I’m good enough, right now, just as I am?   Of course I am!!!

For those of you on my facebook page, you might remember my AHA moment in early December. I realized, during a yoga class, of all places, just how much I’ve been warring with myself – particularly in the area of my body.  But thinking about it even more, I’ve been warring against myself in many other areas as well.  I’ve never really felt completely at peace with where I was.

In this new year, at long last, I DO feel at peace, right where I am.  I don’t feel the need to always be at war with myself about how I need to do it better, or differently.  Or how I need to always be pushing myself to become something else.  So, if there’s one thing I’m bringing into 2015, it’s more compassion.  More compassion for myself, most definitely. And also more compassion for others.  Because we are all on our own journey. We are all working at learning the lessons life throws at us.  And some of us approach those lessons differently than others.  So what?  I believe each of us are doing the best we can  with the tools that we have.

Recently I was listening to a speaker on youtube.  She suggested that what is inside of us is what we project into the world.  If that’s chaos, then that’s what we’re putting out there around us.  If this is true, then I’d much rather be giving off peace than a constant feeling of dissatisfaction, worry, or self-loathing.

Now, I consider myself a pretty confident, strong woman.  Some might say I’m driven to becoming better and better version of myself.   And I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with that!  But I am starting to believe that ‘becoming better and better’ needs to  be paired with a great amount of compassion for ourselves.

So, perhaps some of you will join me in bringing a larger amount of compassion into your own self-care, and spreading that compassion into the lives of those around you.

Wishing you all a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2015!

Into The New Year….

It’s 5;20 a.m. where I am, and I am awake. Why, I’m not sure, because I did not go to bed till almost 2!

But, here I am.  I awoke thinking of the New Year.  Every year, once Christmas is over and sometimes even before it’s over, I turn my thoughts to the year ahead – and the year that is now behind me.  And usually, I make plans to put into action.  But this year, I’m choosing to be more ‘still’ around this time than I have been before.

I’ve  been reading last year’s action plan.  And I must say that I could very well choose to feel like a failure around this past year. You see, for the past 6 months my mind was locked in some strange kind of overwhelm.  Something didn’t ‘feel’ right about what I was doing.  But I had a job that I’d always thought I wanted – a work from home online job.  Courses were being offered to me and while I tried to take them, the overwhelm grew big..and bigger still.  I was encouraged to become a health coach and given all the resources I needed –  but still the overwhelm and inner feeling of confusion grew.  And instead of listening, I grew impatient with myself.  I berated myself because it seemed, outwardly, that all was right – and I couldn’t understand why, inwardly, all felt entirely wrong.

And you know what?  There is nothing bad I can say about the job itself, or the people I worked for, and with.  They were, and are, awesome  The problem lay somewhere inside myself.  And it took me a long, long while to begin to listen.

And because I did not listen, I began to lose myself in some ways.  My self care began to suffer.  Good things I had set into place for myself went out the window. “I don’t care” and “It doesn’t matter” began to rear their ugly heads again.  But I didn’t see it – until the day came when things changed and I made a decision that I could no longer work there.  That decision gave me a HUGE amount of relief.  But the time it took me to make it had taken it’s toll on me.  My self confidence paid a price.  My belief in myself wavered.  I began to second-guess myself.  September and October were difficult months for me.

To get back on track, I spent a few hours with my counselor.  And I’ve come to realize that, for me at least, if it doesn’t feel right, I’ve gotta listen. Even if I can’t discern why.

What I’ve learned is that sometimes, even something that looks really good on the outside is just not a good fit.  I’ve decided that’s ok!  It’s nobody’s fault – it just is – and in order for me to stay in a healthy place, I really, really need to listen to what my inner self is saying.  That feeling of constant overwhelm – that small voice that is saying – something isn’t right for you here – I NEED to listen.

And while I’m still trying to figure out what that whole time was all about, I have realized a few things.  One, I am not a visual learner.  I get overwhelmed when faced with pages and pages of script that I need to use to learn something.  I need to be hands-on.  Two, I need to be out in the world.  Working online is too solitary for me – I need to be with others.  And three, the teaching itself was triggering for me.  It seemed to me to be very black and white. “If you’re not getting ahead in THIS – that means you’re not doing THAT.  It brought back memories of my church going years where many of the teachings I sat under were the exact same thing.  “If you’re not feeling strong in your faith, it’s because you’re not doing something right!”  And that kind of talk just triggers a lot of unhealthy stuff in me, personally.  I spent a lot of time healing from just that kind of black and white thinking.

And I guess that triggers me because I no longer believe that life, or people, or situations, come in just black…or just white.  There are a lot of grey areas in life.  There are a lot of unknowns, and people (at least this person!) cannot be made to feel that because they feel a certain way, or are not getting to where they ‘should’ be, that  they’re doing something wrong.  I just don’t believe that is healthy for anyone.

Anyhow, I know it’s going right for a lot of other people.  It just was not right for me.  This is just my story, no one else’s…

Learning to listen to that inner voice, I’m learning, is a life-long education.  Just when I thought I was doing really great, another lesson comes along to teach me not to get too cocky. 🙂

In the meantime, something else is in the works that I’m not free to talk about at the moment, but is very exciting and I will share with you when I can – in a few months time. And though not all is clear, I have never felt more at peace.  “At peace” is one of the feelings you will experience when you begin to listen to that all-knowing, inner voice – I call it my ‘God – voice”.

And you know what?  We all have one! But sometimes, in the din of society and people telling us how it ‘should’ be, it can be very hard to hear!