Tag Archives: mental-health

I Wait…Why Do I Wait?

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Sometimes,

in my neuroses,

I wait.

I wait for others

to tell me

I’m worthy.

Why, oh why

do I still wait?

Have I not learned

that as long as I

am ok with myself

then, I AM OK?

But still

I wait.

I drive myself crazy

with the waiting

Sometimes.

I know it’s not healthy

and though I try not to,

still

I wait.

Life can be

a struggle

sometimes.

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Must I Really Eat Dirt?

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I have to say it was difficult, after my very lovely long weekend off, complete with radiant sunshine, family time, and loads of intentional self care – to come back down and join the ‘real world’ today.  I struggled being at work where there are so many unknowns right now. Actually being there just kind of  dragged me down, today.  I was being harshly reminded that oh yeah…so this is reality!

I came home feeling  very low energy.  So, I had a nap.  Sometimes, you just have to take a nap!    And I do feel somewhat better.  I’m thinking that  having four days of absolute bliss can cause one feel the drudgery of real life.   I guess you could say those four days were like a mini vacation, and today I had a hard time re-starting.  It happens to the best of us…

So, I won’t ‘eat dirt’ (that is, have to nullify all the good I experienced while I was off).  Instead, I’ll remember with fondness the loveliness of those days, and do my best to try to re-create them as often as I can.  And now that Spring is here, and the days are longer and getting warmer, taking myself outside and into nature is a lot easier and more fun.  And with the ocean fifteen minutes one way, and the forests fifteen minutes the other way – I have no excuses!

So Much To Distract!

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I’m learning about moderation.  The term ‘everything in moderation‘ has been a foreign concept to me most of my life.  And my ‘default’ is to avoid.  Or, a better word, to dissociate.  I can block out things around me that I don’t want to see like an expert.  But, that is changing.  Slowly, with babysteps, that is changing.  Because I can’t afford to avoid anymore.  It makes me really, really, really sick.  And who wants to be sick, after all?

I have three main ways that I avoid.  TV, computer, and food.  And admitting those things to you is a bit scary.  But I think that I’m far from the only one who uses these things as avoidance tactics.  In fact, I think I’m here writing about them more for me than you.  I’m putting them on the page to remind myself that yes, these are troublesome for me, still.  To remind myself to keep working on them.  To remind myself that I will find moderation. I’m determined to do so…

And still, after a lot of inner work, I struggle with these three. I can lose myself in these things, and so whatever else I’m feeling goes away for awhile.  But, it’s getting better.  I used to avoid by ‘going away’ – just zoning out for hours at a time.  Lying on my bed, staring at the wall.  That was when I was really unwell…and I’m way past doing that, now.  My life is so much better than it was back then…

How many of us use these things?  We think they’re ok.  Everybody does them.  And, to a degree, they are ok!  I mean, we need to eat, right?  But, when we’re eating or watching TV or playing computer games because there’s a little niggly feeling inside us that we don’t want to explore, that’s when these things stop being ok and start being dangerous.  Dangerous for me, at least, because I don’t want to live my life from a place of not being aware of what’s going on inside me.  Not anymore.  Not ever again.

So, I guess I’m writing this to remind myself, come on, Cher – you can do this!  You can live your life using ‘everything in moderation’!

 

What’s NOT working..

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Kind of leaving this till the very last-minute, aren’t I?  That’s one of my things that’s NOT working for me.  #1. Procrastination.

1.  Procrastination?  Or avoidance?  A bit of both?  I’m famous for avoiding what is good for me.  I dislike that about myself.  I’m tired of it.  I know where it comes from.  And it doesn’t serve me any longer.  I cannot keep living, putting things off that are important to me.  This has to change.  This is my number 1 priority for 2013.

2.  Neglecting my body and health.  This is a big one, too. Ugh.

3. Believing I’m not worthy of success. Believing it to the point of watching myself stay broke all the time.  And finding myself getting mad as hell about it.

These are my three biggest.  And I’m having anxiety even writing about them.  I know where they come from….way back.  I grew up believing I wasn’t important in/to this world.  So I avoided/neglected all that was good about me.  And though I’ve come really, really far in my way of thinking about myself, and though I’ve discarded a ton of old beliefs thus far, writing about this makes me realize I’ve still got work to do.  Hard work.  Maybe the hardest, yet.

Because, these three things, they are at my very core.  They are not the things that people see from the outside.  I take the courses that come my way, and I excel at them. I do well at work, I have great friends.  It’s not about these things.  It’s the little things, the things  that, really, turn out to be the biggest things of all.  Eating well.  Getting enough sleep, and exercise.  Taking the risk of putting myself out there in a blog.  Staying organized at home, behind closed doors, where no one sees………staying authentic when no one is looking….

And, I detest these things about me…these weaknesses.  There, I said it.  These things hold me back from what I want.  Holding on to the beliefs that manifest these things in my life are keeping me small.  Writing about these things, and hold them in my heart with kindness  for myself, is very, very, very hard, right in this moment. Thus the anxiety, I think…

I have the power to change.  I know that.  I know that, because I’ve proved it to myself, over and over, in these past years.  I also know that, because everything I need is inside of me already.  But will I take, and keep that power?  It’s easier to give it away, tell myself I can’t do it, I’m not worth it, I must not deserve it.  That is pure bullshit!!!!

Will 2013 be the year I begin to finally, at long last, get rid of these lingering beliefs and step into my fullness?

Tomorrow night, in the quiet of my home, I’m planning a ceremony.  I’m planning it, right in this very moment.  I’m planning to write down on paper all the frustrations I have about these 3 things.  Then, I’m going to take that paper outside and burn it.  I’m going to have a ceremony to let these 3 beliefs go.  And then I will set my intention for the year 2013.

Because, I cannot live like this anymore.  I refuse to live like I still believe in my heart that I don’t matter.  Because I do.

I. Matter.