The Black Hole of Loneliness

Once upon a time,

when I was far, far away from myself,

I was lonely.

And that loneliness

swallowed me up

into a deep, black hole.

It terrified me,

and I would stop at nothing

to avoid

being alone.

To be alone

was to be desperate

and empty

and lost.

But,

I began to learn

that the answer to my loneliness

was inside me.

Getting to know myself

learning to love myself

looking at myself in the mirror

and saying, I really like you!

Now, when loneliness drops by,

as it sometimes does,

it doesn’t frighten me

at all.

Because now I believe

that the very one I was lonely for

was me.

 

Two A.M. and Here I Am

Well, it’s 2:00 am, and I really should be fast asleep.  But here I am, wide awake and telling myself that my bedtime routine this evening was overkill.  At about 8 pm, after returning from a long walk, I decided that my house had to be cleaned.  And my laundry had to be done.  So what might have been an otherwise relaxing Friday evening, was a whirlwind of racing around ensuring that everything sparkled, in between running back and forth to the laundry room.  Floors washed, bathroom cleaned, dishes finished, carpets vacuumed, furniture dusted, laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, all while I listened to an online webinar.  By about 10:30 I stood in the middle of my apartment admiring my work.  And did I go to bed, then? No.

Instead, I had a shower.  At 10:30 at night.  But, I had to!  I was all sweaty and felt..well…yuck!  So, did I go to bed after that?  Couldn’t.  Not with wet hair!

And also, by then I was hungry!  So I grabbed a banana and some peanut butter.  (Yes, on a spoon – don’t judge me!)  And sat down to check emails, and surf the net for awhile.   And before I knew it, I’d put a blanket on the floor and was attempting some brand new yoga moves.  Yup.  At 11:30 pm on a Friday night, I was doing yoga.  Knowing I was going to bed very soon.  Sometimes I’m not the brightest bulb in the box.

Don’t get me wrong.  I was feeling very, very tired by now.  So, around midnight, I finally crawled into bed.  But then I remembered I had to do my half hour visualization, so I grabbed my phone and loaded the video I use…turned out the light and hoped against hope that this visualization would help me off to dreamland…

But, no.  Of course not!  I tossed.  I turned.  I turned.  I tossed. My mind was tired enough, but my body was rarin’ to go.  And now, here I am, writing this at 2:30 a.m.  And wide…..wide awake.  Body….and mind.

In about 8 hours I’m meeting up with a friend to go hang out at Moss St. Market for the morning – a fairly famous market here in Victoria that sells local produce and such.  I’m really looking foward to it, too!  But it would be nice to have some sleep between now and then.

So, would I be correct in saying the self care plan went a bit overboard, today?  I mean, enough is enough, already!  Sometimes, I’m pretty sure I’m crazy.

On a more positive note, though, I stopped by my doctor’s office and weighed myself again…down 3 more pounds.  That’s eighteen pounds off!!!!  I’m pretty stoked…

Though right now, I’d trade being stoked for some good, restful sleep.  Wonder when that’s gonna happen….?  Cause I’m wide awake….um..yeah. I did say WIDE Awake, right?

So….now what I do? (She wonders, looking around the room to see what else needs to be done..)  

 

 

 

 

The Wisdom of The Body…

Dear Body,

Are you there?

Always.

I feel lumpy today.

Maybe the way you’ve been eating this past week?

Past two weeks, actually, and yes.  I really lost touch with you.  Even with the visualizations, I lost touch with you.  I’m sorry.  I guess I let the visualizations take over, thinking they’d have the same effect as me loving on you.  They don’t.

Live and learn, hey?

Yes. Live and learn.  I really don’t feel well.  My tummy hurts.  I feel bloated.  But I got tired of all that ‘good’ food!  I wanted ‘bad’ food!

It’ll take some time to make changes, don’t be hard on yourself. What’s wonderful is that you are able, after only two weeks, to re-connect with me.  That never used to happen…

Yes, I will be happy about that.  But, how do I lose the cravings for the not-so-good stuff?

Be mindful.  Be mindful of what I tell you I want and need.  And then (and this seems a bit funny) ask the food you are about to put in to your mouth.  Ask the potato chips.  Ask the ice cream…..what are you going to do for my body?  And from there, you can make a plain choice.  The most important thing is that what you put into your mouth is  a conscious choice.  Not a mindless act.

But, if I keep messing up, how will I get anywhere?

With time.  And practice.  And patience.  Most of all,  with love.  I did not get  into this state overnight.  It was years of mindlessness.  It will take time.  And persistence.   And deciding to never give up, no matter how big the mess-up seems.

But, I want it now!

Everyone wants it now.  That’s the society we find ourselves in.  But now often means beating up on me to get to where you want. Or starving me.  Or pushing me too hard.  You don’t have to beat up on me to get to the place you wish to be.  I’m not that stubborn.  I do want what you want.  I’ve always wanted it.  You just haven’t been in the same mind, until now.  But, the undoing of all that has gone before will take patience.  Once I really begin to feel safe, you will see changes. I promise.

Do you feel safe?

Not entirely, no.  Safer than I ever have before.  But I guess I need some proof that you are really, finally, in this with me.  That we’re finally working toward the same goal.  The goal of better health.  The fact that you’ve been eating poorly again, and have realized it quite quickly, and are here right now….that speaks volumes.  This is the kind of behavior I need to see…consistently.  Then I will believe.

Hey, body?  I’m really, truly sorry for all these years that have passed that I have not been able to acknowledge you.

I know that.  I’m just really glad you’ve arrived in the place where you can now see that I am alive, and wishing to have a relationship with you.  Thank you so much for the BodyLove that you’ve been doing.  It means a whole lot to me.

Thank you so much for everything.  I’m glad we’re once again on the same page.

Me too.

I love you, body. I appreciate you so much.

Thank you, Chere.  That means a lot.  I love you, as well.  Very, very much.  And it makes me so happy that we’re working together, now.  The slip ups don’t matter….as long as you keep on loving me despite them…as long as you recognize them and come home to me again….

Big hugs, beautiful body.

Hugs right back! 🙂

 

Caution: Busy Week Ahead

I just realized this instant that it’s 10 pm – my bedtime.  And here I am just beginning a new post.  I guess I’d better type fast – 5:30 rising tomorrow, to go spend the day with my grandson, Ronan. Yay!

It’s been a busy 2 days, and as I’ve emptied closets and gone through boxes I’ve had to talk myself down from overwhelm several times.  Man alive, I don’t know where all this ‘stuff’ has come from, but if I have my way (and I will!) it’ll be gone in a few days…and I’ll only keep as much as is absolutely necessary.

It’s going to be one of those weeks.  Four days till moving day, and one of my bosses has also decided that a donor letter must be sent out by the end of the week….why, oh why?  We seem to be famous for leaving things till the very last minute at my place of work, and it’s so not fun!  Considering I’m only in the office for 2 days this week……well, those 2 days are gonna be crazy. And then the move…

I am making progress with my self care routine.  This morning, before I even got out of bed, I spent some time loving on my body – that is, thanking her for the amazing job she does for me every moment of every day.  And then I made a plan for the day. Once out of bed, I managed 5 minutes ofweight bearing exercise , then spent about 15-20 minutes doing qigong.   I’ve been reading up on the benefits of dry brushing , and bought myself a natural bristle brush the other week, so I spent some time learning how to properly do that.  Dry brushing has many benefits, the biggest one is helping to keep the lymphatic system open and draining.

Then, I followed that up with a shower and moisturized my body with coconut oil .  I swear I’m really getting into this self-care thing!  The one downside is, it can be time consuming, when up till now I’ve been the-ready-to-go-out-the-door-way-before-anyone-else-kinda-gal.  But when I do these things I feel fabulous!  And the more I do them, the more I want to do them! I like feeling fabulous!

I’ve been reading up on natural DIY beauty products and also found a recipe for DIY deodorant that is chemical free.  I’m becoming more and more aware of the chemicals we drown our bodies in on a day to day basis, and it makes me uncomfortable.  As soon as I am able, I’m going to try these recipes!  You can find these (and much more) over at the  Wellness Mama blog…

I’m also reading up on the benefits of green smoothies.  Do I dare try them? To think I’ve never in my life EVER been concerned with ANY of this stuff before now.  I think my inner hippie is emerging…. 🙂

Let The Purge Begin!!!

Is it crazy to be excited about doing a house-purge?  I’m moving next week, and oh my gosh I am excited about throwing stuff away!  Makes me wonder about myself…I admit!

Can housecleaning be part of self care?  You bet!  A big part of self care is about allowing yourself to have lovely things, and discarding things you don’t need/want/absolutely love. Self care, I believe, is also about creating a space for yourself that is peaceful, manageable, and has ambience. Moving is a time to rethink everything you have in your home and ask yourself these questions.  Have I used this *whatever it is* in the past 6 months to a year?  Do I absolutely love this *whatever it is* – and if I don’t absolutely love it, why is it still hanging around?  Do I really need it?  Can I afford to recycle or donate it?  Or does it just have to be tossed?

They say a cluttered house creates a cluttered mind or vice versa…and it surely has for me.  I feel at my best when my home is tidy and everything is in it’s place.  Not that that happens too often around my house…but it is happening more and more these days.  I’ve struggled with clutter most of my life…but I’m getting better! In my life, clutter has created overwhelm, which in turn creates clutter, which in turn creates overwhelm.  It’s been a downward spiral.  One site that has really helped me with my clutter problem over the years is Flylady.  The FLY in flylady stands for…Finally Loving Yourself.    She helps those of us that have had clutter issues and overwhelm climb over those two huge mountainous blobs, one babystep at a time.

I’ve de-cluttered in major ways over these past years. It’s so easy (especially when kids live at home!) to live with stuff we don’t really want or need.  But it sits there or is stuffed away in a closet with the idea that maybe someday I’ll need it!  But someday never comes…

Last year I (along with several wonderful volunteers) decluttered the office where I work – 30 + years of ‘stuff’ – that was totally unnecessary to the functioning of that office.  Instead, it weighed them down.  While it wasn’t fun, and it took almost a whole year of working on and off, it was a huge feeling of accomplishment when it was finished!

So, I guess I get excited because it feels so good to get rid of ‘stuff’.  Anyhow, here I go! Wish me luck!

Slow And Steady, Cher –

In the past few weeks, I have  created two other blogs.  I won’t share them just yet, because they’re in the newest stages and I’m not quite ready.  And not quite sure I actually want to be working on 3 blogs!

While it could be exciting, (ok, exciting to me, maybe not so much to you!)  it’s also a bit crazy of me.  A bit over-zealous. I get that way, sometimes. I get excited about a particular thing, and go all out.  And get burnt out, real quick.  So the other two are just going to sit on the back burner for a bit.  This will remain my main one for now.  I’m going to try to slow myself down somewhat, and go about this whole brand new venture with clarity and intention.  Those are two virtues, after all, that I’m trying to incorporate into my self care plan.  So, stay tuned, and IF I decide to share one or both of them, I will post the link here…maybe…someday in the not so distant future…

So, how’s self care going for me?  I feel like on one hand, I’m doing great.  On the exercise front, not so much. Somehow my good intentions started slipping away this past week.  A few new excuses emerged out of no where, and I found myself actually giving in to being ok with feeling like a slug some days 😦

Yesterday was one of those.  An intentional pyjama day  (hey, I had to do my laundry!)  that turned into a day that I wasted doing unproductive things.  Sometimes I do get stuck in that unproductive place.  And by the end of those days, I feel, overall, yuck.  Some part of me absolutely hates wasted days! But still, I seem to have too many of them for my liking.  So what is it that causes those, and how do I change it?

One thing I’ve thought of is I possibly need to re-new my plan.  Making plans is a somewhat new concept for me, honestly.  I have mostly lived life by the seat of my pants, taking what comes as ‘what’s meant to be.’  And I’m learning that is not always the case.  I’ve struggled with making decisions, and I’m learning that not making a decision is in fact, deciding – to do nothing.  And doing nothing gets you nothing.  And I’m tired of nothingness!

So, today, right here, in front of you all, I’m renewing my exercise plan.  Yup, Chere, you can so do this!  Qi Gong and walking – I’m committing to those two things.  Even if only 10 minutes a day, I Will Do Them. Both.

One last thing.  What if I just need to change my perspective on what a wasted day is?  I got my laundry done, after all.  And I listened to a few more audios on women’s health from the WISH Summit.   And I baked banana bread, made dinner, and a bunch of other stuff. So, really, what do I believe a productive day ‘should’ look like, after all?  And why am I ‘shoulding’ myself, anyhow?

Something to think about…yes?

c

Happy Easter! He is Risen!

I hope everyone is having a lovely Easter weekend.  Easter has always been my favorite holiday of the year.  It’s THE most important Christian celebration.  A celebration of Christ conquering death – that we may have life, and life more abundantly.

I have had the most lovely three days, so far.  And I haven’t even done anything very ‘special’.,,whatever that means. For the past few days, I have been experiencing such a lovely calming feeling that all is right in my world.  Have you ever felt it, yourself? It’s hard to describe, actually.  Yesterday I went for a walk by the ocean with a friend, and as I waited for her to arrive, I leaned against the railing and looked out over the ocean and felt such a feeling of wellness. And the same feeling washed over me the other morning as I woke up to see the sun shining through my window.  And  as I  str-et-ch-ed…like a cat, and rolled over and snuggled down into my blanket and pillow to doze for awhile longer.   Peace.  And……joy.  Joy – full.

I’m sure part of it was the luxurious sunshine we’ve had all weekend.  Wow, it’s been pretty amazing here in Victoria.  But some of it has been because I’ve taken the time to shower my body with love in all kinds of different ways.  With Reiki.  With walking.  With listening to some uplifting audios on women’s health.  With meditation…and with prayer.

I’ve been feeling amazement that something has shifted in me this past month.  I’m really beginning to feel what it’s like to be in my body!  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes, because you have no idea how far from my body I have been all these years! And it feels really, incredibly wonderful!  It’s such a new feeling for me, and I’m languishing in it….

And, I cannot close without saying that this sense of wonder that I have has a lot to do with my personal relationship with God.  I don’t doubt this one bit.  My life is far from easy.  I rarely have enough money.  From month to month I’m unsure if I have a job to go to.   I’m moving in one month and my son needs to find a place to live, and a job, in that short amount of time.  I never quite know what my future is going to look like from one month to the next.  To be able to admit all this to you and still be able to say it is well with my soul... that is a testament to my faith and belief that Someone greater watches over me…

Now, I’m not trying in the least to convert anyone.  Rather, I’m wanting to say that this Easter weekend I have felt the presence of God in my life in such an amazing way…and I just want to say thank you, God.  You are the best.

Would LOVE to say making new habits is Easy…

Old habits die hard.  At least, that’s what it feels like the past few days.  Been choosing computer games over moving these past few evenings.  Ate a rather large bowl of ice cream last night, which, had I taken the time to find out what was going on inside, could have been avoided.  But, no.  I was not intentional.  And intentional is what I desire to be, as often as I can, especially in those moments when old habits wish to take over…

So, here I am.  I’m realizing more and more that I come here to stay on/or get back on track.  Seeing this stuff right here on the screen is getting it out of me and making it real.  Writing it out helps those niggly feelings to rise up to the top so I can’t stuff them.  Cause if there was a career out there that involved stuffing feelings, I’d be making millions. Yes.  I’m that good.

I’m bummed that I’m not here to tell you all how great I’m doing.  Ugh.  But, I’ll remind myself once again that new habits take time.  And it’s ok to stumble and fall.  As long as I don’t lay there in the dirt and feel sorry for myself.  As long as I get up and remind myself what I’m trying to do here, and dust myself off and keep going forward.

It’s gonna be ok, Cher.  I promise.  It’s been a few days of not being mindful, but that’s ok.  It’s ok not to get it absolutely right every single time.  I know I can do this.  I AM doing this.  I’ve already been through hell and I survived.  I’ve already proved to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to.  One babystep at a time……

c

What Self Care means to Me

The words Self-Care are pretty self explanatory.  Yet, they mean different things to different people.  Self care is a phrase that is often used in the world of caregiving.  People who are caring for others – someone caring for an aged parent, or someone working in a seniors facility.  Self care is something these people must learn to do for themselves in order to stay healthy – so that they can care for others.

For me, my ‘caring for others’ days are mostly over.  My parents have both passed away, my kids are grown.  I do care for my grandbaby part time, now, and self care has become  vitally important for me just so I can keep up with him!

However, my take on self care is not just about being able to care for others.  You see, I somehow never learned along my way in life that my body was important.  In fact, I learned quite the opposite.  So the disconnect between me and my physical body has been vast.  I did not know what it meant to really care for and connect with my self.  And I must say, getting to know one’s self is pretty difficult when you have been, most of your life, disconnected.  I could not tell when my body was hungry, or when it was tired, or stressed.  I could not hear it tell me what it wanted to eat.  So, basically, I ate the wrong stuff, when I wasn’t hungry, and couldn’t tell when I was full until I felt sick to my stomach.  I ate to stop feeling lonely, or bored, or to quiet that niggly voice inside me that was trying to get my attention long enough to tell me that things are not ok.

To be aware, now, of all that my body has kept doing for me so faithfully all these years without my even noticing, makes me feel sad.  And I’m not even near where I would like to be, yet.  But at least I’m aware.  Having awareness is the first step toward health.  And, I’m becoming more mindful – of what I eat, how often I move, and maybe most importantly, how I’m feeling on the inside.  And, I’m doing it all, while loving myself – just as I am in this moment.  Because beating myself up sure hasn’t worked.  I’ve tried that route, and I bet most of you have, as well…and I bet you also can agree, that it does way more harm than good!

I personally believe that everyone could do a better job of caring for self.  And that just about everyone needs to, as well!  I think that the term self-care should become a household word.  Self care is not just for care-givers!

When Doing Everything Right Still Doesn’t Work!

I’m stopping by to write a short post today, trying to ‘keep up’.  I’ve been sick all week, and am fighting discouragement.  I’ve been really trying to do the best I can with my self care – getting enough sleep, exercising, being mindful….and still…I get sick.  Ugh.

If truth be told, this cold I’ve gotten didn’t ever really leave.  I got a bad cold two months ago and since then, even though most symptoms went away, my throat remained scratchy and my glands sore.  I guess it’s just kind of hit me all over again.

So, what do I still need to do differently?  There’s been quite a bit of stress at work, and I thought I was handling it ok, but maybe I’m not.  Last week I did not sleep well at all….which was probably just enough to bring my immune system down so that the cold could smack me again.   And days have been really busy.  Between trying to make up hours at work for some schooling I did last fall, and keeping up with a toddler on days I’m not at work, (my grandson, that is) I seem to still be going at full speed.  And I need to figure out how to slow down some.  I’m just not really sure how to do that…yet.

But, conversations have begun with my boss about my work hours.  That’s a start.  I’m only paid part time hours where I am, but have been at work wayyy more than I think I need to be.  And maybe it’s time to just start saying NO. (But I’m just so good at saying YES!)

My friend said to me the other day…”you’re not doing badly at self care…it’s just that your stressful life is catching up”.  I have not in a very long while, until this past year, considered myself to have a stressful life.  And I have to say, I don’t like it one bit…

So, still, changes to be made.  It’s most likely true that self care is always something that I will be monitoring, changing and refining…as my life changes from day to day.  It’s something we all must stay aware of, I believe.

On a high note, though…I’ve lost 11.5 lbs!  I felt like I had lost some, but I don’t own a scale, so only weigh myself when I go to the doctor’s which is where I was today.  And I’m believing that weight loss IS a result of good self care, and not a result of stress.

c