How do I feel tonight? N.U.M.B. Numb is how I feel. Inside me, right in this moment, is a vast ocean of…………nothingness. Unfeeling-ness. A black hole of going-through-the-motions.
Numb is not a healthy word in the vocabulary that is my life. Numb is a crazy, scary, nowhere place to be. I cannot live here long. If I stay, I will die here. How do I know? I’ve been here, before.
This transition at my work is killing me slowly. I’m told to hang in there for awhile longer. Just. A. Bit. Longer. is what they tell me. But, how long do I hang in, now that numbness has set in?
They tell me to TRUST. I’m obviously not doing a good job at that anymore, either. They tell me God is in control. But I am doubting even that. They tell me there’s strength in the waiting. If that’s true, why do I feel weak?
When do I say ENOUGH? What holds me back from saying that word? Am I afraid of all that that word could mean?
How do I know the answer? Quite possibly, I already know. When the thought of leaving this place brings me RELIEF, that might be just the answer I’m looking for…….