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Two A.M. and Here I Am


Well, it’s 2:00 am, and I really should be fast asleep.  But here I am, wide awake and telling myself that my bedtime routine this evening was overkill.  At about 8 pm, after returning from a long walk, I decided that my house had to be cleaned.  And my laundry had to be done.  So what might have been an otherwise relaxing Friday evening, was a whirlwind of racing around ensuring that everything sparkled, in between running back and forth to the laundry room.  Floors washed, bathroom cleaned, dishes finished, carpets vacuumed, furniture dusted, laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, all while I listened to an online webinar.  By about 10:30 I stood in the middle of my apartment admiring my work.  And did I go to bed, then? No.

Instead, I had a shower.  At 10:30 at night.  But, I had to!  I was all sweaty and felt..well…yuck!  So, did I go to bed after that?  Couldn’t.  Not with wet hair!

And also, by then I was hungry!  So I grabbed a banana and some peanut butter.  (Yes, on a spoon – don’t judge me!)  And sat down to check emails, and surf the net for awhile.   And before I knew it, I’d put a blanket on the floor and was attempting some brand new yoga moves.  Yup.  At 11:30 pm on a Friday night, I was doing yoga.  Knowing I was going to bed very soon.  Sometimes I’m not the brightest bulb in the box.

Don’t get me wrong.  I was feeling very, very tired by now.  So, around midnight, I finally crawled into bed.  But then I remembered I had to do my half hour visualization, so I grabbed my phone and loaded the video I use…turned out the light and hoped against hope that this visualization would help me off to dreamland…

But, no.  Of course not!  I tossed.  I turned.  I turned.  I tossed. My mind was tired enough, but my body was rarin’ to go.  And now, here I am, writing this at 2:30 a.m.  And wide…..wide awake.  Body….and mind.

In about 8 hours I’m meeting up with a friend to go hang out at Moss St. Market for the morning – a fairly famous market here in Victoria that sells local produce and such.  I’m really looking foward to it, too!  But it would be nice to have some sleep between now and then.

So, would I be correct in saying the self care plan went a bit overboard, today?  I mean, enough is enough, already!  Sometimes, I’m pretty sure I’m crazy.

On a more positive note, though, I stopped by my doctor’s office and weighed myself again…down 3 more pounds.  That’s eighteen pounds off!!!!  I’m pretty stoked…

Though right now, I’d trade being stoked for some good, restful sleep.  Wonder when that’s gonna happen….?  Cause I’m wide awake….um..yeah. I did say WIDE Awake, right?

So….now what I do? (She wonders, looking around the room to see what else needs to be done..)  :/





On Motherhood, and Letting Go…


How does a mother let go?  I’m sure I do not know, maybe I will never know.  I try.  I try not to be possessive.  I try to respect boundaries.  I try to let them live their own lives as much as I can.  But it seems I still do too much….just in asking how they’re doing and if they are happy and have everything they need.  It seems even doing that brings annoyance.  So, I give up.

I will try to remember when I was their age.  Maybe that will help.  When I was in my early twenties, I moved about two hours away from home.  It was not easy for me at first…but I came to love it.  I thrived, actually, during those few years.  And guess what?  I never phoned home, either.  I mean, rarely.  I was living my life, and I was having fun doing it.  I didn’t need to keep in touch.  Let’s tell the truth….I didn’t want to keep in touch!  I had my own life and I was living it, with no one to judge me or tell me what I was doing wrong. My family was out of sight and out of mind, soooo…

Now the tables have turned, and I have a very independent child who moved far away and sees no need to stay in touch.  Who gets very annoyed, in fact, by my (maybe overly?) motherly concerns.   Funny, yes?  The tables are turned.  And it causes me anxiety…

Thing is, it most probably is more about me than about them.  Isn’t it always, after all?  As some of you know, I am trying to heal from deep abandonment issues that rise up way too often for my liking.  But, that’s not my child’s problem, is it?  That is something that I need to learn how to deal with..it’s not really fair to put my stuff on them…

Sometimes mothers will say...just wait till you have kids..you’ll understand.  Well, now I do.  I realize, now, what my mother must have gone through, waiting to hear from me, wondering, always wondering…is she ok?  Does she have enough to eat?  Is she happy?  Does she have enough money?  And so on….

So, my child, I don’t know if you read my blog at all, but if you do, there’s only one thing I can say….just wait till you have kids….then you’ll understand….