Tag Archives: God

It’s One O’clock am, And What Am I Doing Here?

Standard

I cannot sleep.  It might have something to do with the wind, which is howling outside my bedroom window.  It may be because I have my window full on open, so I can hear the wind howl.  I love windstorms – ever since I can remember I have loved them.  Thunder and lightning as well, though we don’t get that so much in the part of the country I am in nowadays…

Why am I so wide awake?  Is it because this evening I poured over some of my old journals, and they took me back? Back to both good places, and not so good places.  They made me realize just how far I’ve come these past few years…and that made me feel proud.

It might also be because lately, I’m finding that I feel more intensely than I ever have before.  This morning, as I sat in a restaurant for breakfast, at the table next to me there was a 3 year old girl crying.  At one point her father told her that she’d better stop crying or he’d take her out to the truck and leave her there while he and her mother finished their breakfast.  My heart felt as if someone had stuck a knife in it, and I grieved for that tiny child.  In my heart I cried out to that father…please….please don’t say things like that!

And later in the day, as I stood in line in a grocery store I watched as a young woman turned a tiny boy (maybe two years old?)  over to a young man…..a separated couple, perhaps?  Maybe Dad getting custody of his son for the weekend?  Just speculating, but that little boy was upset.  He did not want to leave that woman, and he clearly did not want to go with that man.  His sobs got the attention of many of us standing in those grocery lines…and I found myself praying for that tiny boy, asking God to wrap arms around him and calm him…asking that the man this boy was going with would not become angry with his cries…

Somehow I can’t stop thinking about those two children that passed through my life  today. And thinking, too, of my own two year old grandson, who is loved beyond words.  Children are so incredibly precious.  They arrive here on earth so innocently, asking  little, yet teaching us so, so much!   And sadly, still, even in this day and age of awareness,  too many  come into this life and are robbed of the love they deserve.

Children are a gift from God.  I believe that, with all my heart.  And it is for us as adults to cherish them, to honor them, and to handle them as carefully as we would handle precious jewels…because that’s exactly what they are…..precious jewels.

In my prayers recently,I have been asking God to help me see the world through His/Her eyes.  Is this the reason for my intense feelings of late?  Today, those two sad children made my heart hurt.  

Is that how God feels when we are sad?

Amidst The Unknown

Standard

I stand here

In this strangely unknown place

A twilight zone, of sorts

Learning to be content

With not seeing

I left behind familiarity

Though, troublesome as it was

Was still routine

Predictable

This place that is between this

And that

Here

and there

This place of discomfort

The In Between

I do not like this place

And yet,

I’ve been here before

Many times

And that voice within me

That God-voice

reminds me once again

to have patience

to have faith

to trust

and things will unfold

as they are meant to

in time.

And so I stand

and when I can, I take a step or two

when I see a clear path

a way to go forward

But mostly I wait

in expectation.

On the edge of something, though I’m not sure what,

Waiting for something, something new,

To unfold.

Blessed Solstice

Standard

Hello Blogworld,

This morning I am sitting here staring out the window at this grey, wintery day, and thinking about change.  I have always had two times during my year that I reflect on change – around New Years, and in September – when there is that ‘let’s get back into it’ kind of feeling in the air.

But, today I’ve been reading a few articles on Solstice, and how many cultures and religions have thought of solstice as a time of renewal, a time of goal setting.  And I never really understood what Solstice actually was until today – the word Solstice comes from the Latin words (sol) which means ‘sun’, and (sistere) which means ‘stand still’, and is an actual celestial event.  At the solstice, the sun actually stands still, before changing direction according to which part of the world you live in.  Interesting, huh?

And for many, the solstice brings a time of reflection, a time of ‘going inside’ to regroup, a time of setting new intentions and making new plans. And though my own ceremony of looking back and making plans for the future year happens around New Years, I am taking a few minutes today to honour the process of standing still.

In today’s world, standing still for very long is virtually impossible, isn’t it?  But to be honest, standing still is the only way there is to really hear what’s going on inside us.  That still, small voice cannot, will not be heard in the craziness that is around us every moment of every day.  And that tiny voice inside, that ‘God-voice’ (is what I like to call her), is the most important voice to be heard, particularly if you wish to live your very best life.  And while not all of us do have that wish, that particular wish has been in my heart for as long as I can remember, and has been the reason I have chosen to do some very painful work inside me.  That still, small voice has been my driving force, and will continue to be so…..

So…..stillness, today, in this day of Solstice, when the sun (the source of all growing things here on earth) is itself standing still to change direction, I honour you. And while I will not be making any changes this day in particular, know that the upcoming year has been in my thoughts now for several weeks, and yes, I will be looking both back and forward in the next few weeks – setting intentions, making plans – and as I did last year, I will keep you posted, blogworld, because even though I have not been very faithful in keeping up with you these past few months, my long term intention is still….to keep on writing.   Namaste.

 

Hurry Up And WAIT!!!!!

Standard

How do  I feel tonight? N.U.M.B. Numb is how I feel. Inside me, right in this moment,  is a vast ocean of…………nothingness.  Unfeeling-ness. A black hole of going-through-the-motions.

Numb is not a healthy word in the vocabulary that is my life.  Numb is a crazy, scary, nowhere place to be.  I cannot live here long.  If I stay,  I will die here.  How do I know?  I’ve been here, before.

This transition at my work is killing me slowly.  I’m told to hang in there for awhile longer.  Just. A. Bit. Longer. is what they tell me.  But, how long do I hang in, now that numbness has set in?

They tell me to TRUST.  I’m obviously not doing a good job at that anymore, either.  They tell me God is in control.  But I am doubting even that.  They tell me there’s strength in the waiting.  If that’s true, why do I feel weak?

When do I say ENOUGH?  What holds me back from saying that word?  Am I afraid of all that that word could mean?

How do I know the answer?  Quite possibly, I already know.  When the thought of leaving this place brings me RELIEF, that might be just the answer I’m looking for…….

My One,True Source

Standard

This morning I’ve been listening to some inspirational videos.  I think I’ve mentioned here that along my life’s journey I’ve learned that in order to change a mindset or experience a mind-shift, what has worked for me is saturation.  Putting that one thing out in front of me until my brain ‘gets’ it and a new pathway is formed.

So, I listen, read, and learn, on an almost daily basis.  Because, well, knowledge and change excite me. I don’t know how else to put it!

But sometimes,  as I listen to or read about some of these stories, my still, small voice interrupts my thoughts, to remind me not to forget that One who is my true source.  Too many of these stories I read about miss this one most important factor.  As I listen or read, their success seems to gravitate to all that they did to get there.  And while I understand that yes, we do have to work hard to get to where we want, and that yes, God has given us a creative brain with which to create many wonderful things for ourselves and for others…….I believe there is a real danger is us taking all the glory.

There are a few verses in the Bible that have really spoken to me over time.  One of  them says “If I am to boast, let me boast that I know and understand my God”

And:  “All things come from God”, and “It is God who gives us the ability to get wealth”.

I do think God is completely ok with us being successful in our lives.  But taking all the glory for the things we have created, well, that’s a slippery slope, indeed.  In my humble opinion.

The one thing that I find missing in all these audios I listen to, in all the books I read, is, to me, THE most important thing.  The acknowledgement that God Himself gives us these abilities.  They may feel like something we ourselves have created, but it’s dangerous to remain in that way of thinking.  God gives, and God takes away, and the danger in believing we created it all ourselves, the danger in believing we are gods, (yes, I have heard this! 😦  ), or believing that God is some impersonal being that is spread thin across the universe, creates some pretty thin ice to stand on, I think.

The God I know is a very personal God, whom I am in touch with moment by moment.  Who cares about me and my life, and who has my absolute best interests at heart.  He/She is a being I can ultimately put my trust in, and have, over and over again, countless times, and will, countless more times in my life.

In all my quest for knowledge, success, even better health and wellbeing, it is my humble prayer that I never, ever forget the One who has made all of my life, all of my successes, possible.  One verse that sticks in my mind is this: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you”.  And sometimes, like today, that God-voice inside me reminds me I don’t have to work so incredibly hard……what is required of me is to seek His face….and things will be added…

Today that voice of inner knowing inside me is reminding me to come and be with God…to put every concern into His/Her hands and leave those things there…that He/She is, ultimately, in control.

Thank you, God, for reminding me of these things today.

Understanding Your Wounds – An Excerpt

Standard

I’m sharing this today, because I’ve probably read it a million times in my journey toward self – love.  And because earlier this week, as some of you have read, I had a melt down that has helped me to remember that I can heal, yes, but sometimes there are still scars that get re-opened every once in awhile, and that’s ok, too.

Understanding Your Wounds 

“I do not understand my own behaviour: I do not act as I mean to, but I do things that I hate” (Romans 7:15)

Paul’s cry of anguish has a universal ring to it.  Who of us has not felt deeply the frustration of  being trapped in  addictive behaviours from which we would like to be delivered?  Those behaviours that have become deep wounds in our spirits?  Those that keep our true selves in bondage?

In praying about my wounds I have come to believe that the reason these wounds take so long to heal is that I spend more time attacking them than trying to understand them.  I keep trying to clog up the hole made by the wound.  The reality is I keep stuffing my wound with other addictions, always hoping for some miraculous cure.  The healing needs to happen right there in that broken place because it is there that I am vulnerable.  It is there in that crack in my spirit that the Light of Christ can slip through and help me understand the wound.  When Jesus rose, his wounds were still visible.  The scars could be seen right in the midst of the glory.  Is my life, patterned after Christ, to be any different?

The scars in my life have become my badges of victory and glory.  I am able to see that I will probably have to live with some of the pain I’ve inherited from my cluttered life.  I am learning to befriend the scars and find the gifts underneath.

Sometimes the scars open up again and I see that the wounds are not completely healed.  I approach my wounds differently now though.  The clutter that I once used to clog up these wounds, I now send away.  I send it on its way gently.  It has been a tool that God used to help me experience my powerlessness.  In some mysterious way, then, my clutter becomes my treasure.

Slowly, gently, 

I lift the clutter out of my life. 

I must let go of my ego-self. 

I’ve known this part of myself intimately.

It’s like an old friend.

It’s a bit hard to send it on its way.

It has become a kind of cherished sin for me

a dis-ease that I am familiar with.

Still, it has hindered my growth

and kept me from adoring.

It has prevented me from noticing 

the holy ground of my life.

And so, I kiss it good-bye.

Yes, I kiss it.

I embrace it.

It is part of myself

I pray for its conversion.

All the clutter in my life

that I have clung to

with such devotion,

will be born again

in some new and better form.

It is the shadow side of myself.

If I befriend it

it will arise

from the ashes of falseness

into the glory of truth.

My uncontrollable anger

becomes a passionate, prophetic zeal.

My possessive clutching

becomes a generous giving.

My abundance of unnecessary words

melts in the one great word.

My deafening noise

becomes the sound of silence.

My need for approval from others

becomes a need to affirm others.

My need to control

becomes my need to share.

My fear is changed into love

my anxiety into trust.

Yes, all the clutter of my life, that ego stuff that held me back, when embraced and owned can change before my very eyes into grace.  What was a hindrance becomes a blessing.  What was an enemy becomes a friend.  What was a darkness is now my light.  What was my clutter is now my treasure.

by Marina Wiedeker, “Seasons of the Heart”

Until we can not only accept but learn to love our shadow selves, the path to self – love, I believe, will remain elusive.  This excerpt, over the years, has reminded me of my need for that love – especially in the darkest parts of myself.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. 🙂