I’ve written about perfection before. I’ve lived with trying to gain power over my need to be perfect in all things for longer than I can remember. The agony this need causes in me can be devastating. It causes me, sometimes, to go past the point of no return. The point where my energy is depleted, my body is sore, and my emotions are raw.
This topic of perfection has been in forefront for me recently as I began to notice it happening again in my every day life. In the little things. Like in cleaning my house. Or helping out my daughter around her home when I’m with the kids. Or taking care of the administration for the society that I volunteer for. My thought process goes something like this…
I will have already done more than enough. More than I have energy for. More than I NEED to! Yet I hear myself thinking – ‘if only’ I can do just this one more thing, then I will be happy/content/feel good about things. “If only” I can just do this one more job (dishes, laundry, vacuuming, creating the perfect spreadsheet, replying to someone’s Society question with the perfect email – this list is endless) And all this after I’ve spent more than enough time, more than enough energy, on something to make it Just Right.
The problem with this way of thinking is…it’s never right! It’s never enough. No. Matter. What.
And in the process, I’m only making myself more tired and grumpy. And angry. At myself and at others. I’m only making the need I have, which feels just like desperation, BIGGER. Is it worth it? Absolutely not.
In a time when I need to stay conscious of how my body is feeling, and how much energy I have or do not have, and where my emotions are taking me – I cannot afford to allow these crazed thoughts to overwhelm me.
But that need to feel I have done things perfectly wraps its ugly tendrils of agony around my brain and drives me slowly back into that place of desperation. That’s the danger for me. That’s where I go slowly crazy.
I’m writing this today to remind myself that it’s ok to just do enough, and that’s all. The world will not implode in on itself. (Actually, that’s pretty much already happening without my help, anyway, so I don’t think it needs me to add any more craziness)!
What I ‘need’ is, to give myself a really big break. And tell myself it’s ok if some things don’t get done. I don’t have to make myself crazy. I ‘need’ to remind myself to let go, once again. To remind myself that I will still be safe, even if things aren’t ‘perfect’. To remember that perfect is not something that’s possible, no matter how hard I try.
So I will take a few deep breaths. And relax my mind and heart. I will be ok. I AM ok. Right now, sitting here in my imperfect home. Living my imperfect life, in this imperfect world. Writing in my blog. Imperfectly.