Vulnerability – How Willing Am I?

I’m sitting here writing this with my heart in my throat.  Do I write this?  Do I not write this?  Will it be TMI?  Will it make me sound incredibly weak, pathetic, even? Do I risk being THIS vulnerable?

The THIS I’m talking about has to do with the past few weeks and my struggle with what’s happening at work.  I’ve come here to try to drill down to what’s been really bothering me about all this.  And what I think I have discovered might be, well, kind of pathetic to some of you.  But maybe it will help someone, too.  And if so, then maybe, just maybe, I can be ok with it.

I think I’m (almost) to a place of peace.  But, looking back, what has caused this obsessiveness?  I mean, anxiety, feelings of desperation.  A huge need to control.  In fact, so preoccupied with all this that my newly found self care intention has really suffered. These things are far from the way I wish to be living my life nowadays.  Am I really that dedicated to this place?  Truly? I kind of find that hard to believe, even myself.   What is it, then, that has been causing this unrest?

Am I too invested in the idea of losing my own job?  Don’t think that’s it.  That idea does not terrify me.  Am I worried about losing a way of being that I’ve become used to?  Not really.  I think I’ve become good at realizing that life is about change, and I try to embrace it as best I can.  So, then, what has been causing this very real stress?  What has been terrifying me?

An idea crossed my mind an hour or so ago that was pretty disturbing.  Could it be, that I’m so afraid that if my friend no longer has a reason to be around me, (a job that keeps him here), he will not just want to be around?  He will not choose to be around?  Were we only friends because we worked together?  Could it be, that I’m really wondering, why a man of his high caliber would actually choose to hang out with someone like me?

You know, I ask myself questions like these because if I don’t get to the root of what’s bugging me, if I don’t know what I’m dealing with, then I can’t really challenge my own ways of thinking.  When I get to the root, to a place that resonates, then and only then can I begin to ask myself certain questions.

So, does this resonate? Yes. Sad to say, but, yes.  That would explain the frantic grasping, holding on, needing to have control.  Because, if it’s true that this friendship was just work based and nothing else……then that might just mean I’m not as terrific in his eyes as he is in mine.

Wow.  It really sucked to admit that.  But, stick with me, if you can.  Cause here’s where I really tell myself the truth.

First, though, I could tell you I know where this comes from.  I could talk about way back in my childhood, times when I was hurt and it left an imprint.  We all have stuff.  We have all been hurt, or traumatized, or damaged, in one way or another.  And please note, here:  I do not mean in any way to belittle the horror that some have endured, for that horror is real.  I just read the most difficult story of childhood abuse, ever, and I cannot get it, or the woman that endured it, out of my mind.  It has truly shaken me.  And I will not make light of the horror that goes on in the lives of women and children worldwide.  Who are these men who think we are objects, instead of human beings?  They destroy lives  every single day.  They deserve destruction, themselves.  But sadly, most of these stories are never brought to light.

The point I’m trying to make here, though, is that we can all relate to being triggered, from things that have happened in our past.  We are all wounded – we  all can stand in that ring together.  Being human pretty much ensures that someone, somewhere along the way, will hurt us.  I’m no different than anyone reading this in that regard.  So I won’t visit my past.  There’s no need, for me, at least.

Instead…I’ll remind myself that I’m actually pretty terrific.  Do I need this man, or any man, or any person, for that matter, to tell me just how terrific I am?  Something in me longs for that, yes, I admit it.  But I don’t need it.  And as long as I can keep reminding myself that I’m pretty terrific, all on my own, I think I can get past the need to hear it from somebody else.

And I’ll remind myself, how, in the past, I have tended to put men especially on a pedestal, insisting they can do no wrong.  I’ve since learned that in doing that I’m telling myself a story…and that it’s a tool that I used to cope with some of my life, and it no longer serves me.  Men are just men, and no one, man or woman, deserves a pedestal.

I could also remind myself, that if someone, man or woman, doesn’t see the person I am, inside, then why would I want that person to be a part of my life, anyhow?  I want people around me that are self-aware, supportive, loving, caring and on a similar journey as I am.  I stay away from people who don’t ‘get’ me.  Period.  So, if, after all, this man doesn’t ‘get’ me, does it matter that much?

I will also say, Cher……not everyone that you like is going to like you back.  That’s the way of the world.  And it’s ok if not everyone likes you.  It’s even ok if someone doesn’t like you at all!  Your world will not end, nothing will implode, the sky won’t fall.  It’s ok.

Now, I don’t really have any of the above concerns about this particular person.  But somewhere inside of me, that tiny, frightened child is needing validation.  And my friend is not the one to give it to her.  I am the one.

So, little Chere…..it’s ok.  You are safe.  I am here.  No one is going to hurt you, and no one is leaving you.  You are, totally safe here with me.  We’re going to be more than ok. I promise you….

I suppose that maybe, because the fears of this tiny one run so very deep, it will take some time and practice to heal.  And maybe there will always be a wound, that may open up from time to time.  My hope is, that with practice, and people coming in and going out of my life, my child will someday be mostly ok with it all.

But, for now…….I am ok, just as I am.  I am enough.  I am loved, supported,  cared for, and protected.  I. AM. STRONG. And most of all, I am safe.

Looking In, Looking Out

In my former life, that is, my life before my breakdown, I used to look outside myself for just about every feeling of validation.  I looked to everyone around me to tell me that I was ok.  I never believed it for myself, not for a moment.  I felt disjointed from others in my life.  As if I were ‘different’ from everybody else.  I never had a sense of belonging anywhere.

As long as I had the validation of others, I was able to live…and I was ok.  Just like the next person.  As long as those around me loved and accepted me for who I was,  I was good. But when those people disappeared from my life, for whatever reason, then I was empty.  E.M.P.T.Y.

Everything in my life, it seemed, existed because of others. Everything I believed, I believed because others told me to believe.  I had no opinions, no thoughts of my own.  I had no self.

A number of years ago, I could no longer cope with my own life.  My marriage was over, and it was like a knife to my heart.  The only man that had ever loved me for just me, had stopped loving me.  And I had no love for myself.  Who would love me, now?  And because I was empty, I had nothing to draw on from inside myself to obtain strength.   I was so dependent on how others saw me, whether others liked me or accepted me, that I had never learned one of the most important truths of all time.  That truth is…we do not need to look outside ourselves to be loved and accepted.  In fact, we cannot expect the world to give us what we need!  Everything we need is inside us! Everything we need to be happy and loved, and accepted just as we are, is right there inside us.

So, I began to learn about self.  I began to learn by being introduced to my inner kids, and learning to love and honor them.  Yes, I did say honor!  And by learning how to honor them, get to know them, interact with them, love and accept them….I began to learn who my ‘self’ was…and I began to grow in strength and began to heal. I began to love and accept my self..just as I was…just as I am. Without judgement.

It has taken a long time, and there have been many stumbles along the way.  It has not been an easy journey, not at all.  But, the journey was so worth it that I would do it all over  again!  Because of this journey to find my ‘self’, my life has completely changed for the better.  In a multitude of ways.  My inner confidence has grown.  I now have a sense of self that did not exist in me before.  I am no longer empty.  In fact, I am full.

I no longer need a man to love and validate me.  (If that happens someday, great, but I don’t wait around pining for it!).  I am not such a people pleaser as I was.  I have learned to set boundaries in my life.  I’ve learned that not everyone will like me, and that’s ok!  And I’ve learned to speak up more often and stay silent less.  I no longer have a need to be invisible in this world.

So, remember, the path to self love can only be found within you. If we seek it only from without us, if we expect those around us to keep us filled up, we will come up empty – every single time.   And empty is not a happy place to be.