How do I feel tonight? N.U.M.B. Numb is how I feel. Inside me, right in this moment, is a vast ocean of…………nothingness. Unfeeling-ness. A black hole of going-through-the-motions.
Numb is not a healthy word in the vocabulary that is my life. Numb is a crazy, scary, nowhere place to be. I cannot live here long. If I stay, I will die here. How do I know? I’ve been here, before.
This transition at my work is killing me slowly. I’m told to hang in there for awhile longer. Just. A. Bit. Longer. is what they tell me. But, how long do I hang in, now that numbness has set in?
They tell me to TRUST. I’m obviously not doing a good job at that anymore, either. They tell me God is in control. But I am doubting even that. They tell me there’s strength in the waiting. If that’s true, why do I feel weak?
When do I say ENOUGH? What holds me back from saying that word? Am I afraid of all that that word could mean?
How do I know the answer? Quite possibly, I already know. When the thought of leaving this place brings me RELIEF, that might be just the answer I’m looking for…….
I’m having a really difficult time with this whole work situation. I’m obsessing about it, and that’s just not good. It’s Saturday, for crying out loud, and I should not be even thinking about this! But, the whole situation (which is much bigger than my friend leaving), is causing me quite a bit of grief.
How do I manage this? I’m truly not sure if I should stay, or if I should go. My friend thinks I should ‘wait it out’ a bit longer, to see what happens. But how? I mean, I wake up in the middle of the night fretting about it…how’s it going to go, what direction are we going in, who’s gonna lead us through, are we gonna make it……it’s CRAZY stressful.
Trust. It’s all I can do, is trust that even though everything is nuts right now, God is still in control. My fretting is only hurting me…no one else. Can I leave this behind, at least while I’m not at work?
The MOST frustrating and mind-boggling thing is, they have decided to let go the ONE person who could have successfully led us through this time of transition. Yes, my friend WAS that one person. THAT is what’s eating me up inside. So where does that leave us? Right back at square one……I could tear my own hair out right now….
But, instead, I’m off for a long walk. I’ll walk it off, and every step I take will represent the anger and frustration I’m feeling inside me right now…