It’s 5;20 a.m. where I am, and I am awake. Why, I’m not sure, because I did not go to bed till almost 2!
But, here I am. I awoke thinking of the New Year. Every year, once Christmas is over and sometimes even before it’s over, I turn my thoughts to the year ahead – and the year that is now behind me. And usually, I make plans to put into action. But this year, I’m choosing to be more ‘still’ around this time than I have been before.
I’ve been reading last year’s action plan. And I must say that I could very well choose to feel like a failure around this past year. You see, for the past 6 months my mind was locked in some strange kind of overwhelm. Something didn’t ‘feel’ right about what I was doing. But I had a job that I’d always thought I wanted – a work from home online job. Courses were being offered to me and while I tried to take them, the overwhelm grew big..and bigger still. I was encouraged to become a health coach and given all the resources I needed – but still the overwhelm and inner feeling of confusion grew. And instead of listening, I grew impatient with myself. I berated myself because it seemed, outwardly, that all was right – and I couldn’t understand why, inwardly, all felt entirely wrong.
And you know what? There is nothing bad I can say about the job itself, or the people I worked for, and with. They were, and are, awesome The problem lay somewhere inside myself. And it took me a long, long while to begin to listen.
And because I did not listen, I began to lose myself in some ways. My self care began to suffer. Good things I had set into place for myself went out the window. “I don’t care” and “It doesn’t matter” began to rear their ugly heads again. But I didn’t see it – until the day came when things changed and I made a decision that I could no longer work there. That decision gave me a HUGE amount of relief. But the time it took me to make it had taken it’s toll on me. My self confidence paid a price. My belief in myself wavered. I began to second-guess myself. September and October were difficult months for me.
To get back on track, I spent a few hours with my counselor. And I’ve come to realize that, for me at least, if it doesn’t feel right, I’ve gotta listen. Even if I can’t discern why.
What I’ve learned is that sometimes, even something that looks really good on the outside is just not a good fit. I’ve decided that’s ok! It’s nobody’s fault – it just is – and in order for me to stay in a healthy place, I really, really need to listen to what my inner self is saying. That feeling of constant overwhelm – that small voice that is saying – something isn’t right for you here – I NEED to listen.
And while I’m still trying to figure out what that whole time was all about, I have realized a few things. One, I am not a visual learner. I get overwhelmed when faced with pages and pages of script that I need to use to learn something. I need to be hands-on. Two, I need to be out in the world. Working online is too solitary for me – I need to be with others. And three, the teaching itself was triggering for me. It seemed to me to be very black and white. “If you’re not getting ahead in THIS – that means you’re not doing THAT. It brought back memories of my church going years where many of the teachings I sat under were the exact same thing. “If you’re not feeling strong in your faith, it’s because you’re not doing something right!” And that kind of talk just triggers a lot of unhealthy stuff in me, personally. I spent a lot of time healing from just that kind of black and white thinking.
And I guess that triggers me because I no longer believe that life, or people, or situations, come in just black…or just white. There are a lot of grey areas in life. There are a lot of unknowns, and people (at least this person!) cannot be made to feel that because they feel a certain way, or are not getting to where they ‘should’ be, that they’re doing something wrong. I just don’t believe that is healthy for anyone.
Anyhow, I know it’s going right for a lot of other people. It just was not right for me. This is just my story, no one else’s…
Learning to listen to that inner voice, I’m learning, is a life-long education. Just when I thought I was doing really great, another lesson comes along to teach me not to get too cocky. 🙂
In the meantime, something else is in the works that I’m not free to talk about at the moment, but is very exciting and I will share with you when I can – in a few months time. And though not all is clear, I have never felt more at peace. “At peace” is one of the feelings you will experience when you begin to listen to that all-knowing, inner voice – I call it my ‘God – voice”.
And you know what? We all have one! But sometimes, in the din of society and people telling us how it ‘should’ be, it can be very hard to hear!