Category Archives: Working it out

Into The New Year….


It’s 5;20 a.m. where I am, and I am awake. Why, I’m not sure, because I did not go to bed till almost 2!

But, here I am.  I awoke thinking of the New Year.  Every year, once Christmas is over and sometimes even before it’s over, I turn my thoughts to the year ahead – and the year that is now behind me.  And usually, I make plans to put into action.  But this year, I’m choosing to be more ‘still’ around this time than I have been before.

I’ve  been reading last year’s action plan.  And I must say that I could very well choose to feel like a failure around this past year. You see, for the past 6 months my mind was locked in some strange kind of overwhelm.  Something didn’t ‘feel’ right about what I was doing.  But I had a job that I’d always thought I wanted – a work from home online job.  Courses were being offered to me and while I tried to take them, the overwhelm grew big..and bigger still.  I was encouraged to become a health coach and given all the resources I needed –  but still the overwhelm and inner feeling of confusion grew.  And instead of listening, I grew impatient with myself.  I berated myself because it seemed, outwardly, that all was right – and I couldn’t understand why, inwardly, all felt entirely wrong.

And you know what?  There is nothing bad I can say about the job itself, or the people I worked for, and with.  They were, and are, awesome  The problem lay somewhere inside myself.  And it took me a long, long while to begin to listen.

And because I did not listen, I began to lose myself in some ways.  My self care began to suffer.  Good things I had set into place for myself went out the window. “I don’t care” and “It doesn’t matter” began to rear their ugly heads again.  But I didn’t see it – until the day came when things changed and I made a decision that I could no longer work there.  That decision gave me a HUGE amount of relief.  But the time it took me to make it had taken it’s toll on me.  My self confidence paid a price.  My belief in myself wavered.  I began to second-guess myself.  September and October were difficult months for me.

To get back on track, I spent a few hours with my counselor.  And I’ve come to realize that, for me at least, if it doesn’t feel right, I’ve gotta listen. Even if I can’t discern why.

What I’ve learned is that sometimes, even something that looks really good on the outside is just not a good fit.  I’ve decided that’s ok!  It’s nobody’s fault – it just is – and in order for me to stay in a healthy place, I really, really need to listen to what my inner self is saying.  That feeling of constant overwhelm – that small voice that is saying – something isn’t right for you here – I NEED to listen.

And while I’m still trying to figure out what that whole time was all about, I have realized a few things.  One, I am not a visual learner.  I get overwhelmed when faced with pages and pages of script that I need to use to learn something.  I need to be hands-on.  Two, I need to be out in the world.  Working online is too solitary for me – I need to be with others.  And three, the teaching itself was triggering for me.  It seemed to me to be very black and white. “If you’re not getting ahead in THIS – that means you’re not doing THAT.  It brought back memories of my church going years where many of the teachings I sat under were the exact same thing.  “If you’re not feeling strong in your faith, it’s because you’re not doing something right!”  And that kind of talk just triggers a lot of unhealthy stuff in me, personally.  I spent a lot of time healing from just that kind of black and white thinking.

And I guess that triggers me because I no longer believe that life, or people, or situations, come in just black…or just white.  There are a lot of grey areas in life.  There are a lot of unknowns, and people (at least this person!) cannot be made to feel that because they feel a certain way, or are not getting to where they ‘should’ be, that  they’re doing something wrong.  I just don’t believe that is healthy for anyone.

Anyhow, I know it’s going right for a lot of other people.  It just was not right for me.  This is just my story, no one else’s…

Learning to listen to that inner voice, I’m learning, is a life-long education.  Just when I thought I was doing really great, another lesson comes along to teach me not to get too cocky. 🙂

In the meantime, something else is in the works that I’m not free to talk about at the moment, but is very exciting and I will share with you when I can – in a few months time. And though not all is clear, I have never felt more at peace.  “At peace” is one of the feelings you will experience when you begin to listen to that all-knowing, inner voice – I call it my ‘God – voice”.

And you know what?  We all have one! But sometimes, in the din of society and people telling us how it ‘should’ be, it can be very hard to hear!

A Christmas Wish…


I’m back, blogworld.  After almost a year of silence, I’ve decided to return – and I’ve missed being here. To those of you still following, thank you!

There’s something on my mind, today, this being the eve (of the eve!) of Christmas day.  And that something is my relationship with God.  The way I see things nowadays is not the way I was brought up to believe how things were.  You see, I was brought up to believe there was only one way to God.  But I cannot believe that anymore.

I am a Reiki practitioner, and have been for almost 10 years now.  And as a practitioner, I have had the honor of  sitting in sacred circles with men and women of all beliefs and religions.  Men and women who’s hearts yearn for God as much as my heart has yearned – for most of my lifetime.  I used to believe that there was a certain protocol that needed to be followed in order to have a relationship with God.  But being with these committed people of so many different faiths, I have come to believe that God meets us right where we are – regardless of our chosen faith or belief system.

Now, I realize that some reading this might think I’ve gone way off the beaten track, and that my own eternity might be in danger.  That may be!  But I can no longer believe that there is an “us” and/or “them” where God is concerned.  I just cannot believe that anymore.  Period.  I believe God loves each and every one of us just the way we are – and is ready and willing to meet us as soon He/She sees that tiny speck of desire to know Him/Her more.

And, within these sacred circles, I have seen exactly that.  I have seen the Muslim woman with a deep love for God as she knows Him/Her.  I have seen Indigenous peoples with a sacred knowledge and belief system that blows me away and causes me to long to know more.  I have experienced Reiki from those who are not sure of their faith at all, but know that there is something greater than themselves out there in our vast universe, and are seeking to know more.

Something that I’ve found interesting is to learn that there was another gospel not included in the Bible as we know it – the Gospel of Thomas.  And guess what?  In that gospel, ALL will enter the kingdom of God.  Now, I’ve got to wonder why that gospel did not get included! (And, too, there are many other books that were not included in the Bible)!

God, as I know and experience Him/Her, is a loving God who longs for a personal relationship with us.  I believe He/She is all around us, and in us – every one of us.  That may offend some, and I’m sorry about that.  But how can a loving God say – well you can come in, but sorry, you cannot?  Could we say that to our children?  Sorry, son, but you’re not allowed – but daughter – I open my arms to you!  I Just. Don’t. See. It.

Anyhow, while I’m not here to argue religion with anyone, I am here to wish everyone who is reading this a very Merry Christmas, however you celebrate it, and however you understand it.  God, however you understand God, is omnipotent, and omnipresent – to all of us.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you reading this, and may 2015 bring lovely surprises to you all!

And, I’ll see you in the New Year!



My Short ‘Break’ – and a time to ponder…


Recently, I received a couple of blog critiques – one especially that sort of stopped me in my tracks.  It was suggested that my blog entries were too – negative.  And the other suggestion was that there was no ‘call to action’.    I was a bit confused at first, until I realized that both of these critiques came from business people, who had blogs that were trying to sell something to someone, or teach, or train….or…make a living!

I was a bit thrown off, thus I have not created a post.  I even asked a couple of my followers if they felt the same.  (Yes, I actually DO have a couple of followers! 🙂  And they did not agree, and they gently reminded me that this was my personal journey into the land of extreme self care.  It is not meant to be a business blog.  I’m not trying to sell you anything.  And yes, some days I do feel a bit out of sorts, especially when progress on what I’m trying to accomplish here has been slow..or stalled entirely.  But I also think on those days I try to end my post on a high note, by ending with something I have learned, or something else I might try….

So, for anyone that might have been wondering, this is NOT a business blog.  This is my personal story, and I’m writing this just as much for myself as I am for anyone else.  I’m writing about this to keep it out in front of me, because I’ve learned that that is how we create new pathways in the brain.  With repetition.  And perseverance.  And believe me when I tell you, I know this.  Because in the past ten years I have had to create a multitude of new neuropathways in my brain, and have been able to do so successfully.  How?  By keeping the very thing/belief/perception I’m trying to change right out in front of me, almost daily.  That’s how change has happened for me.

Some of my posts may have negative words in them.  Because perhaps, some days I’m feeling negative!  That’s what a personal journey is all about, isn’t it?  Sharing the good with the bad? So after some pondering, here I am, back again, and I’m not about to change anything.  If you happen upon this blog and find my story even a bit encouraging or inspiring, that’s great!  But if you don’t, then, well, just blog-on-by.  I won’t be offended in the least!