I’m missing you, blogworld. For awhile there, while I was struggling with stuff, I just couldn’t write…didn’t want to write. But lately, as life seems to be somewhat going back to normal, I’ve been thinking about you more.
Of course, it’s been summer, and for the first year in a long while I’ve felt so well that I’ve been actually able to enjoy the sunshine and green all around me. And, I also started volunteering with the folks at wishsummit.com to help make their summits on women’s health a regular thing. What fun! And that alone has been keeping me pretty busy…
The most difficult thing this summer is I’ve been plunged back into grieving – grieving over my dad. Yes, Forty years have passed but I guess grief doesn’t take a holiday.
In the past few years, 2 men have come into (and gone out of) my life that have seemed to cause me to spontaneously combust – bringing back memories of the loss of my dad so clear it’s been as if it happened yesterday, plunging me into deep grief once again. This man that I have spoken of recently has been one of those. The circumstances surrounding his departure from my life were so close to the circumstances around my father’s death – I did not get to say goodbye – I was left ‘not knowing how to BE, now’, and I was left with a person IN my life that was not functioning well, and I was expected to handle the daily messes. And, when my dad died, I was 15 years old. When this man left, that 15 year old part of came forward so strongly….to remind she was in no way finished grieving….
Her grief this time around, though, was about the aftermath of dad’s passing. The things she missed out on that her sisters got to share with her dad….being able to go to him for guidance, their wedding days, the birth of their kids – knowing he was proud of the way she was doing her life. But the biggest thing was not knowing how to live…without him. It actually makes me wonder if that thought wasn’t somehow cemented into her young psyche, because the exact phrase I used that first day in my counsellor’s office was “I’m here because I don’t know how to DO my life”. It never ceases to amaze me, how we carry those hurts, and how they shape our lives without us even knowing they do. Until one fine day, they decide to pop up to let us know they need some attention….
I am still in this deep grieving phase, but my work with my counsellor has given me tools whereby I can ‘schedule’ time to go into that grief and then set it aside to carry on. I could never have done this, had I not learned these tools.
Anyhow, that’s been a big part of my summer, but in the midst of that I’ve been playing in the sun with my grandbaby, hanging out with my friends at farmer’s markets or over coffee, working with the WISHsummit events, and housesitting.
And, I’m hoping I’ll be able to come here more often… to help myself (and maybe someone else?) as I walk the path toward daily self-care….