Something Shifted Today…

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It occurred to me, as I was working today, that I need to step back from this situation at work.  I’ve become too enmeshed in the whole thing.  And, why?  It’s not as if it’s my company, after all.  Yes, I have been greatly invested in it….but maybe that has to change.

So today, I felt myself taking a step back.  A step away.  I’m not going to fight, any longer.  I’m not going to be horrified, or aggravated, or annoyed, or sad, or devastated.   I cannot change the way things are.  I cannot ‘make anyone see the light’. (As if I have the light…ha!)  I can only change myself.  And if I am to take care of myself in the way that  I need to…..I cannot make myself crazy over a mere job.

A mere job…it’s sad to say that, though.  Because once upon a time, I was passionate about this job.  But I’ve seen that working for a non profit, having to wait for a volunteer board to make decisions about direction, finances, people, etc…well, maybe it’s just not for me, is all.  I wanted to work for non profit because I need to be doing something meaningful with my life.  But the headaches are great.  And unfortunately, it seems the way a lot of non profits are run, the good, well meaning people end up leaving due to the exhaustion of not having enough money, or having to wait forever for the board to move on something, or the frustration of having a board make decisions that negatively impact the very people that are trying to do good for those that are being served by the organization.

It’s madness, it really is.  So, for now, I’m going to do my work and go home.  That’s it.  And in the meantime I’m looking into other options.  Monday morning, I have a meeting with Business Victoria to see if I’m a good fit for an entrepreneurial course they are offering.  I’ve taken a step.  Now, we’ll see.

I’m through investing my energy there.  It’s not worth it.  Especially when I start feeling crazy inside….like I have this past few weeks.  I think what it comes down to, for me, is I cannot keep doing a job that I have no control over.  That’s why the idea of entrepreneurship has come to the forefront for me.  I cannot continue to give away my power.  Not after spending so many years learning how to find and walk in my own power. No. Absolute. Way.

And, as for my friend….well, I think maybe I put too much hope in him, as well.  By saying he’s the only one who could have turned the place around…what is that saying about the rest of us?  Not much.  Those of us who work there are ALL totally capable people.  Capable of many wonderful things!  So, while he means a great deal to me, I’m letting him off the hook – in my own mind, at least.

I’ve been going crazy trying to talk to so many people, trying to make them see another way of being, trying to convince them….if only I can convince them………….if only……….well, if only is magical thinking.   It’s the thinking of a frightened child. There’s no such thing as if only.  And while on some levels there might be a frightened child within me, I am an adult, not a frightened child.  And it does not serve me well to behave like one.

Que sera, sera.…….whatever will be, will be.  And my craziness is not going to change that.  It only hurts me.  So, as of today, right here, right now, it stops.  They can do what they want.  And I’ll do what I want.  And, quite possibly,  we’ll all live happily ever after….

 

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