Kind of leaving this till the very last-minute, aren’t I? That’s one of my things that’s NOT working for me. #1. Procrastination.
1. Procrastination? Or avoidance? A bit of both? I’m famous for avoiding what is good for me. I dislike that about myself. I’m tired of it. I know where it comes from. And it doesn’t serve me any longer. I cannot keep living, putting things off that are important to me. This has to change. This is my number 1 priority for 2013.
2. Neglecting my body and health. This is a big one, too. Ugh.
3. Believing I’m not worthy of success. Believing it to the point of watching myself stay broke all the time. And finding myself getting mad as hell about it.
These are my three biggest. And I’m having anxiety even writing about them. I know where they come from….way back. I grew up believing I wasn’t important in/to this world. So I avoided/neglected all that was good about me. And though I’ve come really, really far in my way of thinking about myself, and though I’ve discarded a ton of old beliefs thus far, writing about this makes me realize I’ve still got work to do. Hard work. Maybe the hardest, yet.
Because, these three things, they are at my very core. They are not the things that people see from the outside. I take the courses that come my way, and I excel at them. I do well at work, I have great friends. It’s not about these things. It’s the little things, the things that, really, turn out to be the biggest things of all. Eating well. Getting enough sleep, and exercise. Taking the risk of putting myself out there in a blog. Staying organized at home, behind closed doors, where no one sees………staying authentic when no one is looking….
And, I detest these things about me…these weaknesses. There, I said it. These things hold me back from what I want. Holding on to the beliefs that manifest these things in my life are keeping me small. Writing about these things, and hold them in my heart with kindness for myself, is very, very, very hard, right in this moment. Thus the anxiety, I think…
I have the power to change. I know that. I know that, because I’ve proved it to myself, over and over, in these past years. I also know that, because everything I need is inside of me already. But will I take, and keep that power? It’s easier to give it away, tell myself I can’t do it, I’m not worth it, I must not deserve it. That is pure bullshit!!!!
Will 2013 be the year I begin to finally, at long last, get rid of these lingering beliefs and step into my fullness?
Tomorrow night, in the quiet of my home, I’m planning a ceremony. I’m planning it, right in this very moment. I’m planning to write down on paper all the frustrations I have about these 3 things. Then, I’m going to take that paper outside and burn it. I’m going to have a ceremony to let these 3 beliefs go. And then I will set my intention for the year 2013.
Because, I cannot live like this anymore. I refuse to live like I still believe in my heart that I don’t matter. Because I do.